Gratitude for comfort.

Last night, after painting for hours and quilting for hours and waiting in a car for a kid's activity to end, and then hours of  TV, I went upstairs, and fell into bed.  The feel of the sheets, the weight of the quilts, the rumpled pillows---wonderful.
I lay their in the dark, the coolness of the sheets a contrast to the softness of the quilts, the sound of the wind made a lullaby.  I was no longer on the edge of old.  I was once again a child, and with that soft and gentle memory I drifted off.

Some people might ask "what kind of mattress?", "what was the thread count of the sheets?"  "What did you take?".  But the answer is much simpler, I turned the thermostat down two hours before bedtime.  When I was a child, winter in the bedroom was cold.  Quilts were a joy. Bedtime was a time of feeling your own body-heat make a tiny space of comfort.

We are currently in a time of---something?  I know I feel asleep for a few years and woke up to find that equality in this country of no class systems was no longer a given.  I'm not sure it ever was, but think that maybe I was just born at a strange spot in history when the middle-class was at its strongest and personal delusional systems were at an all time high.  I can no longer pretend, and when I hear the loyal patriotism, the repetition of meaningless platitudes and the Pollyanna preaching of "be positive you're just being negative, everything is fine", I yearn for my old bedroom in the winter, my tiny den of warmth and safety.

Childhood should feel safe and most parents manage a semblance of safe-feelings for their children. It isn't that hard, the little tykes have nothing to compare it to. Live a few decades, discover the powerlessness of parents with little money---translation to American--no power, of being that parent, of being the grandparent that is the safety net even though the entire net is made of plastic, high-interest plastic at that--and moments of comfort are truly rare.  Secure, well-adjusted children are a miracle.

The schools still try to make good little citizens, teaching patriotism--"this is the greatest country in the world, be proud to be here taking advantage of the many opportunities"  "you can do anything you set your mind to"  "work hard"  " participate in the democratic process".  I wish they would just focus on teaching them to use their minds, to think, to investigate, to make a plan and carry it out. Our public schools are not for the children, but for the machine that is our country.

First, how long since we were #1 in anything that was important.  We are geographically the fourth largest nation in the world.  We have the largest economy--but what does that mean.  We have the highest mean (average) personal income, but the second highest median personal income, so we have some really rich citizens, the problem being we don't have a lot of those rich citizens.  We have the most productive workers in the world!  Wow!  Are they well paid?  Well they aren't working in sweat shops, but who thought that made motivated and productive workers?  It has the 4th most unequally distributed wealth in the world.  So the teachers have us working hard, but it doesn't sound like very many of them really get to be Successful.  Oh, and we are #1 in military spending.  Good job teaching patriotism!

Participating in the democratic process is more difficult. We can all vote, unless we are felons.  But our vote is really more of a suggestion to the electorate.  We aren't a democracy, we are a republic. Greece was a republic.  Citizens voted.  Women were not voters.  2nd class peoples weren't voters. Some things really don't change.  We are a nation of pretenders.  "we are all equal"  "We don't have a ruling class" "Everyone has the same opportunity".  "this is the greatest nation in the world".
I think it has a good ideal; was built with nice principles.
 I think that many of the founding fathers were very idealistic.  But I have to wonder what the focus is in those schools that teach the children of our current ruling class.  Somehow, I can't see such platitudes meaning anything to children who already get an allowance bigger than our full-time minimum wage earners and last I checked, these kids weren't going to the military unless they start with rank.

So I am thankful for a cold bed with quilts, my comfort, my memories of feeling safe and snug.  I can only hope that those children out there with cold beds also find comfort and dream of a world where they are safe and warm and able to be anything they put their minds to.
Sometimes Dream-time is the best times we have.

IT SNOWED!

I was not expecting snow, but hadn't checked the weather all week.  The night was noisy; fascia rumbling in the wind, attic turbines whirring, whistling eaves, jangling chimes, 1 cat snoring, another one sneezing, but of all those sounds, no sound of snow falling.
The world is quiet, now.  Snow seems to absorb all the sound and with no cars moving outside, it is like being alone in the world.  Just me and my heater.
If you check the internet there are arguments about global warming although why that starts every time it snows is bizarre.  The "nothing has changed" crew apparently thinks it is proof of something. All those firsts in recorded history; tsunami's that wipe out populated coasts, hurricanes, massive tornadoes, none of that proves anything, but snow is proof.
In geologic eras, neither are really proof of anything.  If you are a animal that is currently adapting to living in an urban jungle instead of becoming extinct, you probably think the idea of humans changing the earth is pretty believable.  The population of the planet hit 1 billion about 1800.  It had doubled to 2 billion by 1927 and doubled again by 1974.  But in the last 12 years we have added another billion, bringing us to 7 billion. A billion in 12 years vs. a billion in 123 years.  It is estimated that it will take 200 years to reach 14 billion, but that is if we continue to have declining growth rates. In other words, if nothing changes in the next 200 years.
When I was a child, it was reported on the TV that by 2000, we would all have a life expectancy of 100 years.  (I realize we also expected to be flying along the highways in flying cars and vacationing on Mars)  Expectations stated now are about 75 for men and 80 for women.  In 1960 it was 68 for men and 73 for women in the U.S.  Between then and now,  we have had multiple wars.  We have HIV,  and Hepatitis C.  We have drugs that don't just make you feel good, they make you old in a pretty short time.  We have drug-resistant bacteria, terrorism, WMD, germ warfare, chemical weapons, and a whole lot of organized crime.  None of those increase life expectancy.
We will still have people that make it to 100.  I have pictures of three different relatives that became centenarians.  All of them died before 1940.  The government in this fine country is predicting very regularly that the baby boomers will bankrupt social security.  Too many old people getting pay-outs at the same time. No one griped that too many young baby boomers were paying in at the same time, and no one is pointing out that the baby boomers are not really racing to 100.  They have done a lot; first generation to make alcohol be NOT their ONLY drug of choice, first generation to get HIV from needles, and Hep. C. from needles and don't forget that weird time when we didn't know about either, so we passed out both viruses in the blood supply.  First generation to never go to war (when did we last have a war in this country?) but die in the military at the hands of the enemy(think police action, its only a dream), first since penicillin to die of sepsis despite antibiotics.  Between that and the environmental changes and the healthcare inadequacies, they might be the first to not have any centenarians.  We won't know that until 2040.

But today, there is no global warming and the world is soft and quiet.

Sitting here with a cold on my vacation.

I'm sitting here at the computer writing this with a head cold, drinking hot tea, blowing my nose, wondering how I would feel if this cold was the flu and not just a cold.  My symptoms are a bit of fever, some chills, a cough, sore throat, runny nose, achiness, headache, tiredness, slight nausea(assume from the snot running down the back of my throat.

Below is what the CDC says are the symptoms of the flu.

Influenza Symptoms

Influenza (also known as the flu) is a contagious respiratory illness caused by flu viruses. It can cause mild to severe illness, and at times can lead to death. The flu is different from a cold. The flu usually comes on suddenly. People who have the flu often feel some or all of these symptoms:

• Fever* or feeling feverish/chills
• Cough
• Sore throat
• Runny or stuffy nose
• Muscle or body aches
• Headaches
• Fatigue (tiredness)
• Some people may have vomiting and diarrhea, though this is more common in children than adults.

* It's important to note that not everyone with flu will have a fever.

I am not terribly pacified by this.  But am also not terribly sick, just feel crappy, not like I'm dying.  

This years Flu Vaccine (the trivalent one) contained the H1N1, H3N2 variants of influenza A and an unspecified influenza B.  If you received the Quadrivalent, you also got a second unspecified influenza B.  The Shots are supposed to be about 86% effective against the strains that they are against.  This year we got lucky and it is the H1N1, so the shot could help.  

In addition to the flu, there are many, many, many viruses that present with the same symptoms.  The only way to know if you actually have the flu is to be tested for the flu.  This is almost always done by nasal swab.  If you have been told you had the flu, but were not swabbed for the flu, they were guessing.  Also, many people, just like me will assume that they have a cold, or another virus and stay home treating the symptoms and never know if they had the flu.  

As far as treating the flu, there is Tamiflu.   If you start taking it when your first symptoms start, it can make you have a much lessened illness.  I don't know if they test for the flu before doing that, but a lot of it is prescribed every flu season.  

It is known that the vaccine is less effective on people with poor immune systems, children under 2, the elderly, and people with chronic illnesses.  That is the same group that gets the most sick when they get the flu so also the group targeted to get the vaccine.  It is all very statistical.  

What is not mentioned is the concerns by those studying rheumatological illnesses that think all the vaccines might be increasing autoimmune disorders.  Or those that think that a year of testing (or less) might not guarantee that the new vaccine won't cause long-down-the-road side effects that we know nothing about, or that it is possibly a huge government conspiracy being used to create mutations, shorten life-spans, (choose your own horrible plan and place it here).  I tend to stay away from the huge conspiracy things since we have a hard enough time maintaining secrets and carrying out complicated plans with things like military secrets/utility bill changes aimed at helping the wealthy on the heads of the poor.

I didn't get a flu shot.  I may have to before I retire because I work in the healthcare industry.  I don't want one, I'm not trusting, and have always thought that reality is, I can only die once.  I wish we could find a way to cure flu if someone gets it.  But until we come up with a way to improve healthcare, make it more consistently good, more consistently caring, more patient-centered,  I'm going to just drink my hot tea and rub on some Vicks and read a good book.

Waiting for the chili to simmer...happy new year!

Its January 1st.  The 57th of my life.  Another chance to resolve to do better, to make promises to myself, to change, and ultimately many of the same resolutions will appear the next year.  I don't actually feel much guilt over this.  Either they are not realistic or I don't care about them that much or they are more than 1 year goals.
Some of the resolutions that are not back on the board:
1) Getting back to my weight at 16.   I saw a woman a few years back that walked constantly.  She was in her 70's, had dementia, and had apparently been an exercise and fitness (chose your noun here) since puberty.  Her family made sure her hair was always a perfect blonde and her clothes were high-end athletic.  Walking behind her, you would have sworn she was young and healthy, but when she turned around, even with the plastics and night creams, she was a lost and confused elderly woman.  That disturbed me the first time, but made me think about my life--and all life.  What is really important.
2) Saving enough money for a good retirement.  (too late, I want to retire, prefer not to be working at a job I don't feel inspired by up until the last hour of my life, but saving is not my answer, I'll have to find a way to budget myself and make some money off the many things I do love to do)
3)  Write the great American novel. (I'm going to settle for journaling and this blog which has been opened 213 times but may or may not have ever been read.  It makes me think maybe I will look like a crone from the back, but I will still be capable of  a conversation)
4)  Become a famous artist.  (I've already sold more paintings than Van Gogh and still have both ears, that is a kind of joke if you know his life).  I have asked the people that I have given paintings to NOT to put them in garage sales.  Every time a see a painting in a garage sale with a price that covers the frame at a bargain price it makes me think of puppies and kittens dumped by the side of the road.  I must admit I have gotten some great frames that way.)
5)Win the lottery (I'm lying, that is still on the list--hope springs eternal)

The real list this year is to keep me "making".  Paint a painting a month.  Draw daily.  Write daily.  Blog weekly.  Take a photograph every day (new camera).  Finish painting the house (that one is always on there and  always will be-I can out-procrastinate any paint guarantee, I seem.)
 The list goes on, reading more like a to do list.  I hang it where I can see it, then manage to avoid reading it for weeks at a time.
Every time I read it I do feel inspired to do something on it.
Because I have to be doing... always doing.
Maybe its because I'm in that stage of life that focuses on productivity.
Maybe doing keeps me from running through the street screaming that the sky is falling. I don't know, but the Chili is simmering.  It may need more seasoning.  Guess its time to finish making that.