LONER OR LONELY?

Sometimes i ask myself, "am I really a loner? or am I lonely?"  When I was 7 I would have said lonely, and at 12 and at 18, it was lonely but instead of a friend and playmate, it was for a soulmate.  So why is it that I avoid people now?  Did something bad happen?  Did I become old and crusty and antisocial?  Maybe.  Or maybe I stopped listening to the people around me.
I don't know that I will ever be able to completely dissect the past and find the answer.  I wanted more friends because my mother told me I needed friends--translate "popular friends" as I always had at least one person and usually more that I talked to, some were closer than others, but none of them were at all popular.  The closest was a neighbor child, and we shared our childhood games and imagination and hopes and dreams.  the others, in truth were not to be put off.  I have always had a few people in my life that are aggressively friendly.  They need a sidekick and I am unattached, always, to anyone.  When I was a child, with a mother so desperately wishing for a popular child (thankfully my little sister was both popular AND social) and fears that by not wanting what everyone else wanted and seeking out friends and trying to be popular, I must be a freak, a weirdo, some kind of defective.  I wanted to be normal as much as the next person.  But shared experiences do best with shared interests.  And I guess I was a weirdo.  While the other girls were playing with barbies and talking about the boyfriends (6 year olds, I swear, it was all about the passing of notes in class and church)  I was wanting to play cowboys and indians (I loved cap pistols) and was reading life books about evolution.  I went to a school that never taught evolution and the 10 grade biology teacher stole my favorite book on the subject.  When every girl that wasn't pretty and heading for cheerleading or majorette with their string of boyfriends started playing sports, it was discovered I was so myopic that even with glasses, I couldn't catch a ball until it hit me in the nose.
At puberty, I became more popular--read that as every little hormonally deranged male decided to make rude sexual comments, but we had nothing in common.  As one homely C student told my mother on the phone,  "I might ask her out but she has to quite acting like an egghead".  I was fine without him, having no interest in listening to his group talk about coon hunting or what truck they eventually hoped to buy.
By twenty, I was decidedly seeking a "soulmate" although it might be that all the cousins having married by 19 in their white satin, or maybe the biological clock was ticking.  At any rate, two kids later I had learned a few things.
One, being a good listener is fine for a therapist, but lonely in a relationship when it is only one of you listening.  Two,  you really do need to have mutual interests.  Three, it doesn't matter what society says everyone needs, what do I need?
Reality is that I have always been fine with a good book or working on a project.  I have enjoyed some wonderful conversations about things I am interested in, but don't really enjoy that feeling of wasting time listening to someone else go on and on about themselves.  I don't want to be a therapist.  Shoot, a good therapist will just point out the person's narcissism and ask if they want to work on that.  If they don't, they can go on about their business.  I don't want to play a role.  I definitely don't like meeting societal expectations to play a role.  I still haven't given up on stopping the waste of energy on mowing lawns to make them look---why do we do that, I don't get it at all.
So, am I lonely? Occasionally.  I listen to family members periodically.  I don't talk to them much about my concerns and interests.  That is what this blog is for.And pretty much, it works.  Other than no feedback its about perfect.  Am I a loner?  I don't know that such a thing even exists.  There are a lot of people in the world.  People like to interact with people like themselves.  The bigger the world gets, the more outliers there are.  Amazingly, some of them even find each other.  For those that don't, keep writing, painting. sculpting, you know--expressing yourself in a way that maybe will make you feel less alone, more a part of the world.
Those individuals that don't fit easily into the current social scene have their destiny.  Maybe some day I'll figure out what mine is.