The dread midlife crisis!

I'm not having one, now.  I'm too old to have one or even remember when I had one.  Maybe I'll figure that out at the end of this blog.

Yesterday, during a discussion with my new, young daughter-in-law the subject of midlife crisis came up.  Since she is a matchmaker, it ran to why there are so many women having midlife crises these days.  The idea being that women before women's lib didn't have a midlife crisis, it was a man thing to do.  Her reasoning was that women were now having the same responsibilities as men so the stress was doing it. 

My theory was that a midlife crisis was not an option when you couldn't support yourself, and never believed you had a choice to do anything except what you were doing--being a wife and mother.  The topic was dropped, we are both argumentative, but don't know each other well enough to want to create a monster over something so philosophical, but I thought about it over night and decided to see what, if anything, was going on.

Midlife crisis is a term coined in 1965 by Elliott Jaques stating "a time where adults come to realize their own mortality and how much time is left in their life. A midlife crisis is experienced by many people during the midlife transition when they realize that life may be more than halfway over. Sometimes, a crisis can be triggered by transitions experienced in these years, such as andropause or menopause, the death of parents or other causes of grief, unemployment or underemployment, realizing that a job or career is hated but not knowing how else to earn an equivalent living, or children leaving home. People may reassess their achievements in terms of their dreams. The result may be a desire to make significant changes in core aspects of day-to-day life or situation, such as in career, work-life balance, marriage, romantic relationships, large expenditures, or physical appearance.

Ok, that was pretty straight forward.  And women of my mother's age in the 60's were having something that fit that when I was in my teens.  I know this, because there were copies of "the joy of sex" book out there, and several women went out to find jobs while their children (14-18 year olds) stayed home alone in the summer, and a couple of families went through a divorce.  One woman actually got a job, and had an affair with her boss leading to a divorce--(that was good for some backyard fence time in the neighborhood). 

Since divorce seems to be seen as related to midlife crisis (amazingly, most articles/therapies seem to see it as related to marriage, a thing I think is false, but  I have no other measuring stick for the early years, so it will have to do).

Before WWII (think Rosie the Riveter) divorce rates were less than 5%.  After the end of that war, rates rose rapidly to 14% and by 1975, 40% of marriages were ending in divorce.  We are currently at 50%. (remember that is marriages, not people, some people get married repeatedly, and each of those count independently.)  From this, I see that the rise in independence of women does seem to be a possible factor in female midlife crisis.  But is it from the newly added, previously unexperienced stress of work, decision-making, and rat-racing? or is it because they can now dream and acheive something more.  

If we look at the identified parts of a midlife crisis compared to grief, we see an great overlap.  Perhaps we are just grieving for our own lost youth.

This is a list of the identified components of a midlife crisis.  They are juxtaposed with the stages of grief in parentheses)

1. Feelings of Depression

(Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
During the fourth stage, the grieving person begins to understand the certainty of death. Much like the existential concept of The Void, the idea of living becomes pointless. Things begin to lose meaning to the griever. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and sullen. This process allows the grieving person to disconnect from things of love and affection, possibly in an attempt to avoid further trauma. Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the 'aftermath'. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It is natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation. Often times, this is the ideal path to take, to find closure and make their ways to the fifth step, )

2. A Loss of Interest in Things That Used to be Important. (Any therapist will tell you this is a sign of depression)

3. Feeling a Need for Adventure and Change (Denial — As the reality of loss is hard to face, one of the first reactions to follow the loss is Denial. What this means is that the person is trying to shut out the reality or magnitude of their situation, and begin to develop a false, preferable reality.)

4. Anger and Blame of The Spouse (or some other person that influenced the current life choice) (Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"  Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, and especially those who are close to them. It is important to remain detached and nonjudgmental when dealing with a person experiencing anger from grief.)

5. Unable to Make Decisions About Their Future. (depression symptom)

6. Doubt Over The Choice to Marry (or not marry, or have kids, or not have kids) (Anger)

7. A Desire For a New and More Passionate Intimate Relationship (could be denial, could be acceptance, depends on motivation)

Below is a list of the stages of grief in order--people do not really go through them in order or even in a straight sequence, frequently return to a stage in which they were more comfortable.  While the goal is to work through grief, some people live--and die there.

1. Denial — As the reality of loss is hard to face, one of the first reactions to follow the loss is Denial. What this means is that the person is trying to shut out the reality or magnitude of their situation, and begin to develop a false, preferable reality.
2. Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
   Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, and especially those who are close to them. It is important to remain detached and nonjudgmental when dealing with a person experiencing anger from grief.
3. Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if…"
   The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow undo or avoid a cause of grief. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Other times, they will use any thing valuable as a bargaining chip against another human agency to extend or prolong the life they live. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time…" People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?" when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it is a matter of life or death.
4. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
   In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality or inevitable future, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. This stage varies according to the person's situation. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief. This typically comes with a calm, retrospective view for the individual, and a stable mindset.

From an internet search--I saw this      

"The 'midlife crisis' is measurable, and it may be earlier than you think, study finds

A long-term study of wellbeing across three countries found a distinct dip in happiness around the ages of 40-42, according to new research published by the German-based Institute for the Study of Labor. The U-shaped curve suggests people regain their happiness later in life.

I think this is acceptance that is giving them their happiness back.  I also think that we could decrease our own difficulties with midlife crisis by thinking of our life, our whole life as a series of choices, rather than a set of roles.  People talk about wearing different hats; its a cute image, and perfectly describes the roles we take on through life.  They are hats, because they are not us.  We are not roles.  I can be a teacher for a while or a Doctor for a while, a parent, a brother, a wife, a committee chairman, or anything else but while I will learn different things in that role, I will still be me.  I am myself without any roles.

Every choice we make, eliminates a different choice and that starts pretty young.  The child that decides on baseball instead of science club, ballet instead of cheerleading, studying instead of socializing.  Each of those is a choice that can't be made again at the same time.  We can play a sport or learn an instrument at any age, but the benefits of longer experience at a younger age can not be regained.  I can go take tapdancing tomorrow, but I will not likely be good enough to perform on broadway when I start at 60.  Every athlete knows that their body does not have an eternal time to start and reach professional levels of performance.   While I might reach some level of professionalism with my painting before I die, I can't go back and become an amazing artist by 30, that is over.  The wife and mother that always wanted to write a novel can still succeed, but only if she still believes she can, and many of us lose our faith in our own ability.  

Does everyone that experiences grief for their own half-done life throw everything away and lose their mind?  Of course not, some buy a sports car, or take up skydiving.  Some decide to get to know themselves--again (that can be tough, especially if you thought you WERE the role you were playing)  Some volunteer, helping the world and meeting new people and learning new skills.  For others, they refind the love they had for their spouse, or finally decide that they don't want to spend more time on a bad marriage and get a divorce.  We have long acted as though divorce is the same as loser, but marriage should make both people better, not just one, and if both are unhappy, see a counselor.  You need insight, you need someone to give you some outside perspective, you need permission to love the rest of your life and live in happiness.  

So, do I think women didn't have midlife crises in the past?  Of course they did.  They couldn't buy a sports car--no money, usually no drivers license.  They couldn't get a divorce, because while they earned no money, they had a fulltime job, a 24/7 job with no days off.  Women's life expectancy in 1900 was 1-2 years longer than a man, by the 1970's they had a 13 year lead on men, today that is down to 5 years.  Is that because of the current push to return women to the 1900s in power/choices? or are we approaching a brick wall.  While the gap is closing  again (back to where we were before WWII), women are at 80+ years as opposed to late 60's-early 70's. And while that is partly better birth control/better health care/easier living conditions, I believe it is also better life quality.  Seeing the GOOD OLD DAYS as golden, happy times is just putting on those rose colored glasses.  If you really think being a woman in 1880 was better, be a widow on the frontier with 10 kids, be the 5th daughter of a farmer, the homely but intelligent daughter of a man with aspirations.  When women have no power over their own lives, they don't get to make their own choices, they get married off to who ever is seen as the best connection for dad, they get married off to whoever gets rid of that extra/nonproductive mouth to feed, or they lose everything, shipped to the poorhouse, kids to the poorhouse or work farms, strewed across the country with whatever relative is willing to put one of them to work.  

When you have your crisis, and you will, and I remember mine---I actually told my coworkers repeatedly that I now knew my life was half over.  It started with the death of my parents and at the time I was more than half their ages.  And ended at 50 when I realized that I needed to not waste the last of my life.  I didn't buy a sports car and didn't have an affair, I changed jobs, but not by choice (I actually have a big mouth, shocking) and I didn't move.  I did start painting, one of the things I always wanted to do, and I did quit worrying about the future, because every minute spent worrying about what might happen is a minute I could be doing something I want to do.  So I survived mine.  And everyone out their deserves to have their own and figure out how they want to survive it, also.