Marriage advice (from the chronically divorced)

I used to be married, but the last quarter of a century has been post-divorce.  I have definitely been divorced much longer than I was married.  I have about a half a cup more reason to give marriage advice than a celibate clergy member.

On the other hand, I have definite experience with what won't make a marriage work.

Women quite openly and men more occultly seek the white picket fence ideal.  It may be dressed up to look like a mansion or down to look like it is not so traditional as the parents' sad life, but it is pretty universal in this culture.  Gay people are fighting for it, people that came from cultures in which marriage is arranged and about something totally different than our culture's marriage ideal, fight for it against traditional parents and with threat to personal well-being.

Unfortunately, while I've seen it in movies, and sitcoms love it, I can't say I have ever seen the real thing.

What happens when two people with that ideal for themselves decide to marry?  They make the plans, they tie the knot, they start the family, and never get to know each other; the plan--the ideal, is more real than the other person.

Suddenly they are trying to force each other into the mold, she is supposed to suddenly love doing nothing more than watching children and cooking for the man and keeping the house clean.  These days that does not involve being a stay-at-home mom except for the very well-paid husband.  More usually it is in addition to at least one and sometimes two jobs.
Its as if that wedding ring was supposed to eliminate all of her but the part that the man needed for his ideal.
The woman is no less guilty of not recognizing the individuality of her new husband.  She is now expecting him to support her every want and need, to help around the house, romance her and tell her daily how amazing she is.  All that stuff he did for fun with his buddies is over, he is a husband now.

A few marriages can live like this for a bit, but few can maintain after the birth of a child.  Babies are exhausting.  Pregnancy is body-image changing, and while some men find their pregnant wife beautiful and sexy the whole time, others are terrified of all those changes.  The woman is also pretty terrified and insecure and those hormones are definitely not making anyone feel more stable. By the birth, (a beautiful and absolutely horror-show event) the whole ideal is starting to look a little ragged.

Then starts the reality.  Can he maintain helpfulness so they both get to sleep, or is it all on her?  Can she communicate what she needs in a loving manner or is it time to call names and make threats?  Does he start sounding like he was raised by an angry stand-up comedian?  Does she realize she sounds just like her mother?  Have they both yelled "I hate you" at each other repeatedly?  Has it come to blows or are they both calling the hair-pulling and pushing and throwing stuff  "normal"?

Why is this pretty predictable?  Because we don't ever tell our children that roles are not people. People do not cease to exist when they take on a role.  And trying to force the other person to be the role you expect is not possible.  People can play-act for a while.  We know that from the peacock suits that people wear to find a mate.  More than a few frogs and frogettes have maintained good hygiene, nice clothes and kindly dispositions long enough to find a mate, but they don't maintain that.  If you doubt that, shop at Walmart between ten at night and 3:00am on Saturday night.

Perhaps its time to pull down the white picket fence.  Marriage might offer great tax breaks, but all that role expectation only leads to high divorce rates, disappointment in ourselves when we can't force ourselves into those roles successfully and happily, and a lot of wasted money on white satin and floral arrangements.
Wedding pictures, while beautiful are as often found in the garage in a Rubbermaid as they are on the coffee table.  We shake our heads and tsktsk when a baby is involved in a divorce, but is being raised by two separate but sane people really worse than being raised in a house of name-calling, hatred, violence and escape using drugs and alcohol?
Our statistics say "yes, its worse", but I don't know how that was determined, and frankly, as long as divorced people or single people with children are seen as inferior as parents, the stigma will influence that.

I have always wondered how a child born outside of marriage has any less worth than a child born within a marriage.  The dominant culture in this country loves to put down cultures that stone women that have sex out of marriage and write poignant TV shows about the trials of children born to rape victims, but those things are culture, not truth.
Every child born is amazing and should not have to feel any shame for how they were conceived.

Marriage, should be a personal choice that does not involve the subordination of either person's basic personality.
Roles suck---if a woman and man find that she likes to cook and he likes to clean---cool beans.  If she hates all that but makes a butt-load of money, eat out or if he likes cooking, great.
It isn't about what the other person has to do to meet my needs, its about enjoying life together.

What is my advice, the one bit of advice found in every religion and philosophy--treat others like you want to be treated. (sadists and masochists excluded)